Back to Work

Oh man, it's been an emotionally tough week. I went back to work on Monday. I was surprised to feel okay about dropping Nate off at daycare and was reminded how much I love my job throughout the day. When I picked him up and he didn't seem excited to see me, I was a little bit sad. When he wouldn't look at me for the rest of the day, I was more than a little bit sad. When he smiled immediately upon seeing Dan and made eye contact with him, I wanted to quit my job and become a stay at home Mom. I'm finding myself rushing out of work to spend time with Nate before he falls asleep at 7 pm, which makes me feel like I'm not only not being a great Mom but I'm also not being a great teacher. I came up with a new 5-7 year plan on Monday or Tuesday. We sell our house, rent a larger place for less (because I know we can based on what friends are doing), I quit my job and raise babies, and then I get back into teaching when they're in school and we buy again.

Things were definitely easier when I was leaving Nate with Dan knowing that my Mom was on the way to watch him instead of dropping him off at daycare. Dan and Nate got to spend some quality one-on-one time together for an hour or so and I knew Nate was getting great attention throughout the day. I feel comfortable with the daycare that we chose but I will always have doubts; it's just the way I am. Nate loves Leanna, the primary caregiver, and if anything, they are actually holding him too much. I was worried that he would be left in his pack n play to cry while other kids were attended to but every time I've been there they've been holding him and on Tuesday Leanna said that they figured out he likes to be walked around. My Mom said it seems like he wanted to be held more than usual on Thursday and Friday. I'm hoping it's just an adjustment period; I had gotten him to be a little more independent, playing on his playmat or in his swing for 30-45 minutes at a time. It's difficult to tell if he's wanting to be held more at home because he got his 4 month shots yesterday and had a temperature last night and today. He was fussier than usual and I was willing to hold him more than usual because of the circumstances.

Yesterday when we put him to bed his temperature was 99.5; today it got up to 101. I was surprised to find out that babies don't need to be seen until their temperature goes up to 105! (I called the nurse line twice.) He was only slightly fussy and mostly slept more during the day today and yesterday. He slept a bit less than what has become usual last night so I'm expecting the same tonight. I should probably get to bed soon!

This afternoon Nate fell asleep while eating so I took the opportunity to have him nap on my chest. I slinked my way down to a slightly reclined position, like I used to do all of the time when he was a baby (I always say that, referring to when he was newborn). For a while now he hasn't liked sleeping on my chest with me in the reclined position but he slept like that today for 2 hours. I was able to take a nap with him sleeping on my chest, like the good ole days. It's amazing to me that my little baby cakes is only 4 months old and there are already things that I miss doing with him! It was so nice to spend that time snuggling with him, especially after my first week back at work.

Right now I feel torn between a job that I love and spending time with my baby that I will never get back. I lean towards leading a simpler life and spending the time with him but know that I need to give it more time. If I did decide to stay home, I would have to finish out this school year or risk having a very difficult time finding a job when I do decide to go back to work. I have a contract for the year that I need to honor.