On The Downhill...

We reached the peak of difficulty with breastfeeding and are on the downhill slope. We saw another lactation consultant at Hoag on Thursday and all news was good news. Nate ate almost exactly as much as he needed (based on his weight) in 12 minutes. The lactation consultant said, "You're not going to have a 40 minute eater." She said that we could stop using bottles after feedings but that Dan should feed Nate with a bottle once a day to keep Nate familiar with it so that it's not difficult when I go back to work. She also suggested that I cut back on pumping from 3-4 times per day to 1-2 times. I feel like I have been liberated!

Don't get me wrong, my life still revolves around feeding Nate but it is FAR less time consuming than it had been. I had commented that it was a full time job; I was spending an hour to an hour and a half at each feeding, eight times per day. Now Nate has been eating about every 3.5 hours during the day and every 3.5-5 hours at night, and the feedings take about 30 minutes. He has been awake more since we stopped giving him a bottle after feedings; I'm not exactly sure why. At night it still sometimes takes an hour to feed him and get him back to sleep but it's a lot more relaxing than the hour I was spending feeding, bottle feeding, pumping, and cleaning up. He still sometimes goes back to sleep fairly quickly.

The lactaction consultant also suggested that we show Nate pictures during his awake periods. For the last few days I've been showing him pictures in books and he seems to love it! He will actually scan the pages and he particularly likes pictures with lots of color contrast.

Nate and I made it out of the house on our own Thursday. I'm looking forward to having a bit more freedom now that feedings are going much more smoothly. I also went out on my own on Thursday. Dan stayed home with Nate while I went to a Tesoro end of year get together. It felt weird to leave the house without him; he's been with me nonstop for almost 10 months. But once I got out, it was fine.

Tonight Dan and I are celebrating our three year anniversary. Mom and Dan are coming over to watch Nate while we go for some sushi. We have never really been big on celebrating our anniversary with anything more than a nice dinner and cards to each other. I'm really looking forward to sushi and a Japanese beer!

Things That I Love

I love sleeping on the couch with Nate sleeping on my chest.

I love laying in bed holding Nate, rubbing his arm and back, waiting for his hiccups to go away so that he can go back to sleep.

I love kissing Nate all over his naked little body to wake him up while feeding him.

I love waking up in the morning and seeing his adorable face.

I love listening to the sounds that he makes.

I love watching him grow and become more aware of the world around him.

I love seeing the look of recognition on his face when he hears my voice.

I love holding him when he's wide awake and staring up at me, examining my face.

I love my little boy!

We Love to Sit and Stare... and Laugh

I loved sitting and staring at my belly as Nate was inside, kicking around and making it rumble. I love staring at him outside of the womb even more. I can't get enough of his adorable face and the funny faces that he makes with it: the furrowed brow, the "trying to open my eyes", the peaceful rest... I'm not sure when babies can actually smile as opposed to making the "gas smile", but I think I can tell the difference and I think I've seen a smile or two. Oh, and the poses that he gets himself into: the arms under the chin, the arms overhead, the debonaire one-arm-under-the-chin... I just can't get enough! I've caught Dan staring at him, as well.

I have to confess that Dan and I often sit and laugh at him, also. Actually, we laugh at the noises that come out of him. It started with the farting. I'll tell ya, this kid can fart! But he also makes tons of cute noises, too. Last night he was laying in his pack n play fully asleep and he was making this non-stop gurgling noise in his throat. It was 2 am after a feeding and I just couldn't help but bust out laughing. He sometimes makes a high pitched cooing noise that is just the best.

Sunday my Dad and Rebecca came over to do our newborn photo shoot. Dan was holding Nate with one arm, Nate's back was on Dan's chest and his body facing forward. All of a sudden, Nate started peeing, hitting my Dad right on target. Rebecca tried to put a blanket to the flow so that it wouldn't get on the floor but it was our nice blanket so I asked her not to, thinking that he would pee for a second and be done. Well apparently he had been holding it for a while because he peed so long that there was a substantial puddle on the floor. I just stood there, cracking up so hard that my eyes were watering. This happened about 30 minutes after he pooped on me, so I didn't feel badly for anybody in the line of fire.

Nate has been to the pediatrician twice. He was five days old at his first appointment, weighing 8 lbs 8 oz. He was well within the healthy weight loss zone; he could have gone all the way down to 8 lbs. The doctor sent us to Hoag to get his jaundice checked and because the level had risen since we left the hospital and was fairly close to the zone in which they would want to treat it, we had to go back the next day to check it again. The second time the level had gone down so the doctor said to just keep an eye on his coloring.

At his two week pediatrician appointment (technically he was 12 days old) he weighed 9 lbs and so was back past his birth weight, which is the goal for this appointment. Because he met this goal, we are okay to let him sleep 4-6 hours between feedings at night but need to continue feeding him every 2-3 hours during the day. The doctor was impressed with his alertness and responsiveness for his age; she said it was like he was having a conversation with her. My Mom had just said the same thing about an hour earlier. She went to the appointment with me since technically I still wasn't supposed to drive for another couple days and the appointment was right in the middle of the day, when Dan was at work. The doctor was also very happy with his coloring and confident that the jaundice was either gone or close to it. He will be two months at his next appointment and will be getting several immunizations, which I don't look forward to.

We have been having trouble getting Nate to eat enough off of the breast and have been supplementing with pumped breastmilk. If anybody would have told me that breastfeeding would be the most difficult thing I'd deal with as a new Mom, I would have thought they were crazy, but it is by far the most difficult part. And I don't think we have it all that bad compared to stories that I've read and heard from friends. It is time consuming and exhausting. We are seeing a lactation consultant from Hoag for a second time tomorrow and I'm really just hoping for some encouragement and to get an idea of when this might get a little easier. Right now I can't imagine leaving the house with him for more than just a short walk because his feeding schedule is pretty unpredictable. Sometimes he goes 2 hours between feedings and others it's 4 hours. Heck one night he went 6 hours and we actually had to wake him up. Yesterday he didn't need a bottle for half of his feedings, which was a definite improvement from needing a bottle after every feeding.

Nathan Michael ~ 6/5/11 12:48 pm ~ 8 lbs 14 oz, 22 inches

As I suspected, he decided to come early. However to my complete surprise, he is a "he". I was certain throughout the entire pregnancy that we were having a girl. I guess my intuition is not the greatest.

I woke up Saturday, June 4 feeling pretty icky. I thought maybe I needed some water or food so I drank a ton of water and forced myself to eat banana pancakes, even though I wasn't hungry. I just didn't feel right all morning and laid on the couch until about 3 pm. I was having more frequent contractions but I was still pretty certain they were Braxton-Hicks because they weren't really hurting. They were a bit stronger than the ones I had been having for months prior though.

Around 3 pm I asked Dan to go for a walk with me, thinking that if we were in the very early stages of labor a walk might kick start it. I told him that this just wasn't right - if I was in labor I should be having contractions that were painful and then a break in between. I knew that labor shouldn't have me feeling miserable nonstop for the entire day. Not long after we got home, I threw up. I felt fairly confident that this meant things were starting because I read that when labor starts, the digestive tract stops and it is common to throw up. I laid on the couch for a while longer and the contractions were coming much more frequently. We started timing them; the first two were 13 minutes apart, the next two were 9 minutes, and they quickly changed to 7 minutes apart and then 4-5 minutes apart. We decided that we needed to get the last items into the hospital bag and bake the brownies and cookies that I had purchased for the nurses. While we were doing this, I threw up again. I had only had a few sips of water but I couldn't keep anything down. I started feeling very thirsty and was concerned about dehydration so I asked Dan to call the doctor. By then the contractions had been 4-5 minutes apart for 30 minutes. The doctor said it sounded like I was in early labor and was concerned about dehydration, too, so he asked us to go to the hospital. I really wanted to labor at home longer and still felt like the contractions were too easy to get through, and thus couldn't be true labor contractions, but we needed to get fluids in me. We finished up what we were doing and headed out. We saw our neighbor on the way out, who has a 3 month old baby girl, and told her we didn't think we'd be bringing home a baby with this hospital trip.

We got to Hoag just after 7 pm, right when the shift of nurses was changing. We were put into a room and it took about 20 minutes for a nurse to come see us. It felt a lot longer than 20 minutes because I was feeling even more miserable than I had been. The nurse said that she didn't think I was in labor; she said I had a fever and thought that the dehydration and fever were causing the contractions. I was hooked up to an IV and two monitors, one to monitor the baby's heartrate and another to monitor the contractions. I noticed right away that his heartrate sounded high and said something but I don't think the nurse said anything at this point. I had planned on asking for a Hep Lock instead of an IV upon arriving at the hospital, but that plan went out the window, just like the plan to labor at home as long as possible. This trend would continue throughout our labor and delivery.

I continued to throw up everything I ingested (which consisted of ice chips and Vitamin Water) several times in the hospital and got an anti-nausea medicine through my IV. Around 8:30 pm the nurse came back in and said the doctor wanted to keep me another hour and gave me another bag of fluids. I don't think we knew it at this point, but Nate's heartbeat was still high and non-reactive, meaning when I moved his heartbeat didn't change. The contractions had all but stopped and I was feeling much better. At 9:30 pm the nurse came in and told us we were going to be having a baby soon. I looked at Dan, mouth wide open in surprise, as the nurse told us that since we were 39 weeks and the baby's heartrate was questionable, the doctor wanted to induce us. Looking back now, I know that we were induced because of the heartrate issues but I think I still didn't know at the time how concerned they were about it. She started the Pitocin right away and took some blood. We later found out that I had an infection of some sort, which was causing the fever and Nate's heartrate issues.

Eventually I was hydrated enough to need to use the restroom. I asked the nurse if I could stay off of the monitors for a little while and walk around; I had read that being mobile helps with labor pains and I was still hoping to have a natural labor, although I knew it was unlikely because the contractions are so much stronger with an induction. She told me that I had to stay on the monitors and that I could just stand next to my bed. I think this is when I started realizing that they were concerned.

The Pitocin didn't seem to be doing anything for us but I was incredibly uncomfortable in the hospital bed and was unable to sleep. The waiting game continued. Around 2:45 am the nurse came in and told us that they were going to break my water because we hadn't really made any progress in labor. This was something that I wanted to avoid but because the labor was completely artificial, it had to be done. I was having some contractions but they weren't very close together and I hadn't dilated any further. I called my Mom to come to the hospital; I knew that once my water was broken I was going to need extra support. They broke my water around 3:15 am and my Mom arrived very shortly afterward. Things almost immediately started moving faster. Contractions came closer together and became more intense but I felt like I was handling them very well. The first few strong ones came while I was in bed and they were pretty tough so I decided to sit on the birth ball and was amazed at how much more comfortable I was. I spent some time standing up and leaning on Dan but ultimately, sitting on the birth ball was most comfortable. And then the contractions got BAD. They were off the charts on the monitor, lasting about a minute, and I only had about 30-45 seconds in between them. I had been awake almost 24 hours with a fever of 101 and felt like I had the flu. I knew that I wouldn't have much energy for pushing if I didn't get some rest and I wasn't going to get rest without an epidural.

The nurse came in and I said something that made her realize I had reached my limit so she checked me and said I was 4 cm dilated, which would be a good time to get an epidural. Fortunately the anesthesiologist was on the floor and finishing up another epidural so I didn't have to wait long however the few contractions that came while we were waiting were excruciating. I had gotten back in bed so that the nurse could check me and at one point, I literally punched the bed railing because I was in so much pain. The nurse turned down the Pitocin while we waited and offered an IV pain medicine. I really hadn't wanted any IV pain medicine but I knew we had a long way to go before the baby was born so I wasn't concerned about him being groggy when he came out and I took the drugs. It almost immediately made the contractions much easier to bear and the anesthesiologist was there very shortly after. The contractions slowed down a bit, too, because of the decreased Pitocin. I honestly don't even remember much about getting the epidural and was happy very shortly afterward. I did have to get a little extra medication in the epidural because it wasn't completely taking away the pain on the left side but once I did, I was in heaven and was able to get some rest. So again, the plan that I had went out the window with the IV pain meds and the epidural.

I don't remember a whole lot between the time I got the epidural and when we started pushing. My Dad and Rebecca showed up at some point and hung out for a while. The nurse checked me at 9:30 am and said I was complete but that she wanted me to "labor down" for an hour, meaning we'd let the contractions pull the baby down before we started pushing. I think I took that hour to get some more rest. At 10:30 am we started pushing and the nurse had us stop at 11 am. She later told us that she was concerned because she could tell the baby was big and she didn't want his head to get stuck before the doctor arrived. She told us he would be there any time and went out of the room. For quite a while, Nate's heartrate had been in the normal range but while we were pushing, it became elevated again. Dan and I sat in the room for 30 minutes and I watched the monitor nonstop, hoping it would show me that his heartrate was going down. I was so nervous that the doctor wouldn't give me much time to push if Nate's heartrate continued to be elevated and I was really worried that I was going to need a c-section.

The doctor and the nurse came back at around 11:30 am and the doctor directed me for a few pushes. He said I was 50/50 for a c-section and if I didn't have one, we'd end up with a forceps delivery. What?! Exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear. He told me that he'd give me an hour to push and see how much progress we could make. That next hour was a ton of work. The nurse was very encouraging and said that I was doing a great job pushing but that the baby wasn't in the optimal position and she wasn't sure where he was getting stuck. I was bound and determined to push this baby out and did everything that I physically could to be the best pusher on the planet. After about 45 minutes had passed, the nurse said that we weren't going to need a c-section but I still wanted to hear it from the doctor. She went out at 12:30 pm and as she was leaving she said we were going to impress the doctor with how much progress we had made. He came in and was very impressed - no c-section!!! I think I didn't realize just how much progress we had made because I asked him how much longer he was going to let me push. Nate's heartrate had been back in the normal range and he said he'd let me push as long as needed. At some point in the next 18 minutes he also told me that we weren't going to need forceps but that he'd need to do an episiotomy, not ideal but a definite upgrade.

The rest is even more of a blur than everything up to now. I remember saying, "Whoa" when I felt his shoulders come out. We didn't have the typical movie "It's a boy!" moment. There was a lot of commotion because of all of the issues that we had had up until this point. Nate was put on my chest and I asked the nurse if we knew what we had. She said, "Oh yeah" and spread his legs, then announced that we had a boy. Dan had gotten slightly lightheaded because he saw lots of blood as Nate was born and didn't hear the announcement. He was only on my chest for enough time to take two pictures and then they took him away because he wasn't responding well. His arms were a bit floppy and he was wimpering instead of letting out a wail. I couldn't take my eyes off of him and the minute or two that passed while we waited for that wail felt like an hour. When he finally did wail, I finally started crying. I have tears in my eyes thinking about it now. The next thing I knew the doctor, who had been working on me, was turned around and concerned about Nate, then they were calling the NICU. The NICU doctor was down in what felt like a nanosecond somehow and was able to piss Nate off very quickly. He got Nate moving around and responsive and felt confident that he didn't need to go to the NICU. But very shortly after he left, Nate started getting red splotches on his skin. They told us that he needed to go to the nursery and they were going to have the NICU doctor check him out again. They were concerned that the infection had spread to him or that he was affected by the fever I had. My doctor asked for the placenta to be analyzed, also.

All of this was happening as I was getting stitched up. My doctor continued to work as Dan went to the nursery with Nate; it felt like he was working on me for 30 minutes and it was very uncomfortable! The room had been chaotic and full of doctors and nurses and then all of a sudden it was just me and the nurse who had been with me throughout the delivery. It felt so weird not to have Nate and Dan there with me and was difficult to deal with, but once everything was cleaned up I made a phone call to the waiting room and my whole family was with me. They were surprised to see the empty room when they walked in so I went about explaining what had happened since they left. About an hour and a half after Nate was delivered, the nurse took me up to the nursery to see him and then we checked into our room on the Mother/Baby Unit. Everybody had a different answer when we asked how long it would be before Nate got to join us in the room, but it ended up being just about 4 hours; he was with us at 5 pm. The wait made the entire thing seem so unreal but when he finally joined us, we felt complete!

Week 38: May 29-June 4

Not a whole lot going on with baby from here on out. He weighs about 6.8 oz and is approximately 21 inches long.


Tuesday, May 31, 2011 ~ Two days by the pool and two nights in a row of good sleep - I think I need to hang out in the sun every day for a while! Sunday we went to Shannon's parents' house for a Memorial Day BBQ. The house is in escrow so it's very likely that Sunday was the last day I'll ever be on the street that I grew up on. Yesterday was such a beautiful day; I joined Jessica and Doug by their pool all afternoon.

I'm having lots of contractions when I'm doing something but when I'm relaxing or not doing a whole lot, I have very few. In the five hours that I was at Shannon's, I had more contractions than I did in the five days prior. I think that the position I sit in makes a big difference, as well. Sitting at a 90 degree angle causes lots of contractions so I usually sit slightly reclined when I can. Dan went on a walk with me yesterday morning and, despite walking slower than I normally do, I had more contractions that were stronger than usual but they went away as soon as we finished our walk.

Besides sleeping well (relatively speaking) for two days and having more contractions when I'm active, I don't really feel any different so I don't think anything's going to be happening anytime soon.


Friday, June 3, 2011 ~ Yesterday's appointment was uneventful. The doctor said I'm almost 2 cm dilated and still 60% effaced. In the afternoon and evening I progressively got more and more uncomfortable with pretty severe cramps and lower back pain. I was having more intense contractions but not so much that I would describe them as painful. Trying different positions that we learned in our birth classes and sitting on the birth ball helped ease the discomfort a bit and eventually it just went away and I felt pretty normal again. Today, besides having a little more pressure than usual, I feel great. I'm assuming that the events of yesterday evening were all brought on by my exam at the doctor and because things are progressing (I didn't have any cramps after my exam last week). The doctor said I'm going in and out of the latent phase of labor and that sooner or later, I will go into it and progress instead of coming out of it. I've been having a few other signs that we are progressing but they are definitely TMI to write about here.

The doctor mentioned that I have a slightly narrow pelvis, which has me a bit worried. I'm hoping that my body has grown a baby that is small enough for me to birth without any complications. I guess we'll see how things go soon!

I almost wish that I didn't know my due date. I feel like I'm in a rush for baby to come but when I think about it, I don't mind having a few more days or a week with just Dan and I. Part of me really wants the baby to come as early as possible so that I'll have more time with him before I go back to work but really at this point we're talking about days, not weeks.

Sleep has been a bit more difficult lately. After being in the sun on Sunday and Monday I slept really well but Tuesday and Wednesday were a different story. I was tossing and turning on the couch, up several times to use the restroom, and awake earlier than I should have been to feel rested. I was up early this morning but slept better last night, probably because my body was tired from dealing with the cramps and back ache for 5 hours yesterday.

Week 37: May 22-28

Baby is now the size of a watermelon, approximately 21 inches long and about 6.5 pounds. She is considered full term now! She will continue to gain about half an ounce per day, mostly in fat, and her brain continues to develop rapidly.


Sunday, May 22, 2011 ~ The doctor was surprised to see that I was 1 cm dilated and 60% effaced when I saw him on Thursday. Based on what I've read and heard from friends, 1 cm doesn't mean a whole lot unless I continue to progress; many people are at 1 cm for weeks before they progress further. But I've read that it's far better for the cervix to thin out (efface) before the bulk of the dilating begins (although I can't remember why). So we'll have a better idea of how things are going when I see the doctor on Thursday. About a week ago I started having cramps, which is what caused the progress we've seen so far. Today after my walk I've been and currently am having the worst cramps yet for the longest time yet, about an hour. I think I've only had about one contraction though so I don't think anything exciting is happening. Oh speak of the devil, there's another one.

I think the baby has dropped as much as she could have, considering how low I've been carrying throughout the pregnancy. There seems to be more space in my belly and more pressure on my bladder and pelvis lately.

There are a few things left that I'd like to get done before the baby comes but nothing that's absolutely necessary. I feel prepared for the most part. Well, we haven't packed the hospital bag yet but I think we'll have that done by the end of the day tomorrow. Baby can't come sooner than that anyway because my doctor is at a conference in LA until tomorrow afternoon.

I'm finding myself making comments that I want the baby to come as soon as possible but honestly, she can come whenever she's ready. For work purposes, I would prefer that she come soon so that I can spend more time with her before I have to go back but otherwise I'm still pretty comfortable and don't have that "Get this baby out of me" feeling. My yoga instructor seems to think that because I'm comfortable, I won't deliver early.

I have been having a more difficult time sleeping. I'm up approximately every hour and a half to change positions, which is a bit of work. I slept on the couch last night because it is softer than the bed and my hips didn't get sore from sleeping on my side as quickly. I had longer stretches of time between wake ups. I really don't want to sleep on the couch every night though. It just doesn't seem right.

Exercise is becoming more challenging, as well. My belly gets in the way during yoga and my legs are having a difficult time supporting the extra weight during some poses. My legs are also getting tired on walks. Last week I walked 12.5 miles, 3 miles at a time (one walk was 3.5 miles) but prior to that I missed about 2-3 weeks because of a crazy schedule and working too much. I'm sure that break contributed to my weaker legs, too. As much as I dread walking, I'm going to try to walk as often as I can because I tend to get cramps afterward, which makes me feel like things are moving along. I know, that probably sounds crazy.

I'm getting more and more excited to meet this little person residing in my body and I especially can't wait to find out: boy or girl?! Oh, on that note, we really need to make some progress on the name front!


Tuesday, May 24, 2011 ~ The other day I was sitting with Jessica, reflecting on college graduation for some reason. It seems like it happened so much longer than 11 years ago. When I think about all of the experiences I've had in the last 11 years and the things that I've done, it makes me happy. From getting out of a terrible relationship that lasted altogether too long, beginning a career that I love, and buying my condo at a young age to traveling with girlfriends; meeting, traveling with, and marrying Dan; completing my masters; and now being in the position to live by the beach (a long time dream of mine) and start a family, it makes me realize how great my life has been! I had tough times when money was tight or when I was working full time and speeding through my masters (and more), but I wouldn't change a thing. I think part of the reason that it feels like more than 11 years have passed is because I feel like a completely different person than I was back then and I am very happy with the person that I have become.

Just a little Tuesday afternoon reflection.


Friday, May 27, 2011 ~ Unfortunately nothing has changed in the last week. The doctor said I'm 1+ cm dilated and 60% effaced. I was hoping for progress, especially after having some boughts of pretty strong contractions and cramps, but apparently baby is very happy where she's at for now. Good news is I didn't gain any weight this week!

I had a nursing bra fitting at Hoag before my doctor's appointment and the nurse who worked with me couldn't have made my day any better. She said that it's obvious I've been exercising and that I'm "all baby". She suspects that I will be back to my prepregnancy weight very quickly. As I was walking out, she also told me that I am far more calm than most women who come in at this point in their pregnancy. I know I have been told by many people that I look good and have done a good job with my weight but it felt especially good hearing it from somebody who is completely impartial and who sees pregnant women all day, every day.

She also gave me some good information. For example, she said that babies often won't feed from a bottle when they can smell their Mom in the room. So when we start getting baby used to a bottle before I go back to work, I'll have to be sure to leave the area when Dan feeds her. I'm really looking forward to delivering at Hoag. So far all of our experiences there have been great and every nurse has been incredibly helpful.

When I was on my walk today, a couple was getting out of their car and gave me two thumbs up. The husband said, "Go Mama!" I thought that was cute.

Week 36: May 15-21

Baby now weighs about 6 pounds and is approximately 20.7 inches long. She is gaining about an ounce a day. Her face has filled out significantly and looks smooth and plump. Because she has powerful sucking muscles and has had layers of fat forming for quite some time now, her cheeks have filled out like a newborn's. Her liver and kidneys are in working order, and her circulation and immune system are basically good to go. Her lungs are the only organs that still need to fully mature, but every day she gets a little closer to breathing on her own. Next week she'll be considered full term.


Sunday, May 15, 2011 ~ Not much to write about considering I just posted for last week but meeting several new people last night got me wondering: do people tell all pregnant women that they look great? Or do they expect all pregnant women to look fat and bloated? Or do I just look great? :) I was at a former colleague's house for a BBQ and met a handful of people. Almost all of them asked when I am due and when they found out I only have four weeks left, they said how great I look. I have a feeling that most people expect someone who's eight months pregnant to look bloated and I have been pretty lucky in that department. I've had my days but usually after I make poor food choices.

I wanted to take my 36 week picture before we left to go to the BBQ but I lost track of time and we were running late. I'll have to take it and post it soon!

I am grateful to have had a mostly comfortable, uneventful pregnancy. The first months were rough but I definitely know that I didn't have it as rough as it could have been. I don't look forward to that experience again though. I can't say it enough: I sincerely believe that yoga has contributed to how good I have felt and plan on starting it much earlier in the next pregnancy.

Hopefully I'll have exciting news to post after my doctor's appointment on Thursday. I'm hoping for 2 cm dilated and 60-80% effaced. We'll see!